look no pants
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
