a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
