The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
