Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
