I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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