It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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