If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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