What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Randomize
