i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
