Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
