I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
