Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
