People with herpes should wear stickers.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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