I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Please don't give away my fajitas
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