NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
