when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
