i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
