You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
