yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
