Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
