she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
