maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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