I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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