The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
