I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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