Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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