Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
