the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
