I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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