Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
