He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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