his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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