he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
