I accidentally had phone sex last night
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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