Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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