hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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