you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
