Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
