Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
