Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Princesses don't give blow jobs
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize