Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
