I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
