you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
