these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
