I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
