I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
