Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
