mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
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