Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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