There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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