You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
