My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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