Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
We need to rekindle our bromance
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
