I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
a search helicopter?!
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
