When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
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