If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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