I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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