I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
