It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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