yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I just cut my nipple shaving
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
