did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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