Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
