He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
smell my finger.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
